Thinking about Grief

I'm posting my newsletter contribution this week, mostly because I wanted to open it up to comment. I was mostly thinking aloud on paper for this contribution and would appreciate your thoughts and comments about grief and the process of grieving and anything else that you'd like to add:

The air from near and far in recent days has been filled with words of tragedy and deep sadness. The images whether received as a live feed from a news service or still photographs published in the black and white of a newspaper cause us to pause and wonder what in the world is going on and how in the world can things like this happen – again and again – as they do.

Every form of media seems to be locked in on the tragic shooting on the campus of Virginia Tech as well as any and all potential threads of related stories. All of it is there for our watching and absorption. Krista Tippett, host of National Public Radio program "Speaking of Faith", comments on our watching these news reports unfold, “As perpetually horrified as we are of terror and violence, we are riveted by them and we let them define our take on reality. The communications miracles of the 21st century make wondrous connections possible, and yet they also bring us images of horror with an immediacy and vividness that are debilitating. Violent images seem altogether more solid and substantial, more decisive and telling, somehow, than kindness, goodness, and lived peace. It is easy to bow down before these images and give in to the despair they preach (“Wrenching Light Out of the Darkness,” Speaking of Faith Newsletter, April 19, 2007. speakingoffaith.publicradio.org).

Maybe Tippett is correct in suggesting that the images are just more solid and substantial and that is why we are so hooked by them. Or perhaps, she gets only half of it correct. Her response doesn’t account for what’s behind our desire for such solid and substantial images. Please note that I am not suggesting anything about the motivations of the news reporters and media outlets but rather am wondering about what hooks others and us into watching endless hours of stories in and around this tragedy as well as others like it.

As I think about why we’re hooked, I wonder if the encounter with such events doesn’t stir some of our own grief from other parts of our lives. I know that has been part of my own response to the shootings at Virginia Tech. I served as an interim minister with a congregation in Metropolis, Illinois, not too long after the shootings at the high school in Paducah, Kentucky. Metropolis is just across the Ohio River from Paducah. Not even that great flow of water could separate these communities and the aftermath of that shooting.

In response to personal loss or communal tragedy, we may often hear or even say, “Everything will be okay.” That’s not the case nor is it the natural flow of grief and maybe not even a helpful way to grieve. Grief is our response to loss of any kind and includes an emotional dimension as well as physical, cognitive, social, behavioral, and theological dimensions. Moving through the grief process is not a return to normalcy or to a place where everything is okay. Rather it is the process of acknowledging and coming to terms with the loss and moving towards a new way of being or living in the face of loss. This process is sometimes enumerated in terms of stages including a stage of initial shock and even denial or the loss. This point is when the pain of loss first touches us and may include a response or feeling of un-realness. This first stage is followed by the second that maybe characterized by anger, frustration, a sense of helplessness, and other emotions. It as well maybe characterized not only by feelings but action or behavior rooted in those emotions. The anger and frustration can be difficult to acknowledge and it may make others around us feel uncomfortable to the point of them suggesting that we shouldn’t be angry. It is not wrong to be angry. Instead, what we have to understand and seek to make sense of is why we are angry and frustrated and examine how that anger and frustration are finding expression. Sometimes our anger and frustration about one issue come out in relation to another unrelated issue. Being aware of our feelings and their connections can help us process the anger in constructive ways while discouraging our expression of it aimed at unrelated and undeserving issues. From this stage, we often move into a period when we feel the full weight of the loss, which may stir feelings of great pain and despair. Here may wish the pain of loss would just go away. But it will not and ultimately it cannot if we are to move towards finding a new way of living in the face of our loss, which is the last of the stages of grief. In this last stage we re-organize life by assimilating the loss into our lives and redefining our lives and the meaning of life without the person or other thing lost.

Grief is the natural response to loss in our lives. These losses may come as the death of another or the loss of a relationship or the loss of a career or job. In other words, grief is the natural response to change. For whenever there is change, something is lost and we must find a way to reorganize life. Therefore, we grieve. We may or may not be aware of stages of grief that psychiatry and pastoral theology enumerate to describe the process but they can be helpful for understanding our own losses and our own grief. Understanding and processing our grief in turn helps us step into life – to step into the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

The Fragility of Life

We have been reminded this week of the fragility of life. The news hounds have been rushing around to get the "back story," trying to get information about why it happened, why someone didn't intervene in this young man's life sooner, as well as the human interest elements focused on the stories of the victims. It is an effort to make sense of the tragedy, to express the anger and frustration about it, and to deal with the fear that it has stirred. This is not a critique but rather an assessment or description of what I've seen the news reporters doing. I have not watched endless hours of the reports but just enough to keep up with what is happening in and around this tragedy.

The governor of Virginia has called for Friday to be a day of remembrance and I know that pastors of various traditions will work diligently to lead memorial services and vigils that faithfully witness to God's presence in the midst of such pain.

I also include below a letter from NAPAD (North American Asian/Pacific Disciples) leader Dr. Geunhee Yu sent out by Disciples Home Missions via email earlier today.

From Dr. Yu:
We at North American Pacific/Asian Disciples (NAPAD) are deeply shocked and profoundly saddened by the massacre at Virginia Tech on April 16. On behalf of the community of NAPAD and the Korean Disciples Convocation (KDC), I sincerely offer my condolences to the families and friends of the victims, as well as all who have been adversely affected. It is indeed my most heartfelt prayer that our gracious God sends comfort and healing. I also steadfastly and tearfully pray for the souls of the victims.

It is horrifying that a Korean-American student is at the center of these heinous acts. It is my sincere hope, however, that we make great efforts to not allow racial overtones to further darken this tragedy. Simply put, he committed a brutal crime--a deranged madman sinned against all humanity. Allowing this to drive an ethnic wedge between us would do nothing but make a bad situation worse. I hope you agree.

All of the NAPAD churches have been in prayer vigils for the victims and their families--as well as for our entire nation. I urge all of our fellow Disciples to join us in prayer and mourning.

May God comfort the victims and heal our nation.

Rev. Geunhee Yu

Executive Pastor

North American Pacific/Asian Disciples (NAPAD)

The Shadow of Easter

It is a cold, rainy day here in central Indiana. I've gotten soaked twice today and my umbrella now catches rain instead of shielding others from it. It feels more like November than April. Maybe that's why Easter has a new patina. Or...maybe that just always happens. We celebrate in that moment but as we move away its shadow is all we can really see as it grows longer and longer the further we move away from it.

Perhaps such a feeling is only from the perspective of a clergy person. We are so busy in Lent, then comes Holy Week and we rush to get everything ready. Then Easter morn arrives and there is all of this great activity - the special programs, the confirmations and baptisms (- which I'm still really excited about. They all went well and I hope serve as a significant moment in the faith journeys of those who participated.), the crowds, and the gatherings after worship. We get through all of this and I'm wiped out, ready for a break, just trying to catch my breath.

But I'm still haunted by the question from Luke's gospel, "Why do you seek the living among the dead?" Through my preparation for last Sunday's sermon, I decided that another way to ask that question or one that brings it home to us, or at least me, is, "Will you now rise and do - be - live life differently?" The resurrection finds meaning I think when we see it in our own lives.

We reach a point in relation to most shadows when they can no longer be seen. The light casting the shadow goes away; we move too far away from the light such that the shadow becomes imperceptible; or something blocks our view. Not so with the Easter shadow. It continues to be there where we can see it and inviting us back towards the light that casts it. Even darkness cannot eclipse it.

A Different Kind of Baptism?

We'll celebrate 2 confirmations and 4 baptisms on Easter Sunday. It is special day in the life of the congregation that we can be a part of these lives. I don't anticipate this kind of splash but thought it was hilarious. Thanks for this video goes to the parishioner that shared it with me.

Chocolate Jesus

Have you heard about the fight over the "Chocolate Jesus?"

"My Sweet Lord" is a 6' milk chocolate sculpture of Jesus on the cross by Cosimo Cavallaro and was to be displayed this week at the Lab Gallery in Manhattan. However, there was such outrage last week that the hotel that houses the gallery closed the show before it ever opened.

It is interesting that such a sculpture would create so much vituperation. I think though that it is probably an indication of the emotions related to the ongoing discussions about who Jesus is or was and what Jesus means for the church in all of its manifestations today. We see that argument usually carried out in books and articles from all perspectives.

I wonder though why no one gets so upset about a chocolate cross? A couple of weeks ago, I stopped in one of those super-sized arts and crafts stores and happened upon a display of chocolate crosses. I suppose they will sell countless numbers of those for folks to add to their children's Easter baskets. Why doesn't anyone get all up in arms about chocolate crosses? This symbol of torture, capital punishment, and gruesome death is acceptable for Easter baskets but we can't display a milk chocolate Jesus without a public outcry? What's the deal?

Here's my take on "My Sweet Lord." I think the artist makes an interesting statement about how we have misunderstood Jesus and his message. We've turned him into a piece of candy that can sooth us in our moments of anxiety and that can satisfy our momentary hankering for something sweet. This artist challenges us to reassess our relationship with Jesus and to ask ourselves if we understand who he is and if we want to follow him wherever he leads. It's too bad that the show won't go on.

The Personal Journal of Maximillus - 5 Days Later

Pilate kept his word; he took the rebel who rode into the city on the donkey. Last evening, he sent the temple guard to take him. It was not difficult to arrange the capture. One of the Galilean’s own sold him out. It is my understanding that he led the guard right to the rebel. But it all nearly ended right there. One of the Galilean’s followers struck a soldier and cut off his ear but then this Jesus healed him – nothing more than a magician’s trick. After the temple guard took him to the Jewish council, he was handed over to Pilate. The governor had orchestrated it all without anyone being the wiser.

The charges brought against this Jesus were his claim to be the “king of the Jews” and that he had forbid people from paying taxes to Caesar. It is said that when he was asked about this that he said, “give to the emperor the things that are the emperor’s and to God the things that are God’s."

Didn’t he know what he was saying? Doesn’t he realize that “the emperor [manifests] the sovereignty, presence, will, and blessings of the gods among human beings[?]” Everything belongs to Caesar; giving to God is giving to Caesar.

Then Pilate cunningly sent this Jesus to see Herod, tetrarch of the region of Galilee. Pilate said it was a courtesy, but I believe he did it for political reasons. He wanted Herod as a political ally. And Herod played along. He and his companions spent several hours humiliating this “king of the Jews.” When Herod returned him to Pilate, he had even dressed him mockingly in a royal robe.

Then I was privileged to witness the craftiest political move I can imagine. Pilate offered to release Jesus. He manipulated the entire series of events, all leading up to their demand for him to take action. He riled them to the point of frenzy and they could ask for nothing less. In so doing, he took care of the insurrectionist, Jesus, and he increased his approval ratings simultaneously. So, the sentence was set; it would be crucifixion just like for all the other insurrectionists who dared to challenge Mother Rome.

We carried it out like we have the dozens of times before. We led him along with 2 others, all 3 criminals carrying their transverse beams out to a hill on the main road so that everyone could see them. “Whenever we crucify the guilty, the most crowded roads are chosen, where the most people can see and be moved by this fear. For penalties relate not so much to retribution as to their exemplary effect” (Quintillian, Decl. 274). It is amazing to me that this punishment doesn’t deter more people than it does. You would think they would give up and settle for the stability of Pax Romana. But they just cannot take it.

We were out there for several hours. Nothing out of the ordinary. When it was all over and we were headed home, I noticed some of those that I had seen with the rebel several days ago. They stood some distance away, I guess hoping that they would not be next. I don’t know why Pilate didn’t just arrest them all. It has been such an effective deterrent in other places. I believe it can be here. I suppose it is because they denied knowing him that they escaped trial themselves.

This is our routine as we occupy this land. The end to another who would be king. I will continue to develop my relationship with Pilate. Perhaps he will be the one to bring stability to this land and that will mean that he will advance in the government and I believe that I will be able to follow along. But there will need to be more crucifixions like the one today if we are to rule this land.